I Get Scared

I get so scared sometimes, when I think about my life.
You only get one,
And I’ve wasted so much time and energy on fruitless endeavours.
I have walked paths I’ve never wanted, wasted time and acted the fool.

I have loved, and lost. Loved and given up, for foolish ambition
and moronic virtue. I want so much to be successful, to lead a life that will
better my own and those around me. To give myself, self worth, self confidence, and self esteem.

I lie awake sometimes and feel nothing but panic, with thoughts of all I have lost misvalued
and let slip away. As I question what it is I have to offer and where those offerings should be placed.
I do not crave fame, adulation, or adoration. I do crave appreciation, self satisfaction, and a field in which to progress.

But what is that field?

How does one know their path? And that all the lows experienced along that path, are worth experiencing, because that’s your fucking path?

Can one know? Or does a persons fear of taking a new path force them to have steeled determination in the one they’re on?

As much as I feel I can not allow myself to be a failure in life. Not in the short term but in the whole, I realise at times I can, and that’s what drives me, though where it drives me I don’t know.

Am I more a thinker than a doer? And if that’s the case, why the hell can’t I think of what to do?

All of my heroes or people I look up to in life, are people who’ve achieved or done something new.
I have done nothing. My drunken excursions fill me with shame as I waste my life’s talents on drugs and bar stools, as the saying goes, I waste precious time ‘on the nights I can’t remember, with the people I’ll never forget’ though that doesn’t lead me where I want or to who.

I have not yet fully grown up and become a man, I’m a boy in mans clothing or so I feel at times. I am stressed when I shouldn’t be, scared when I should be fearless like the young. I am 28 afraid of 40 and 30 is soon to come.

‘What’s that?’
‘Your one on the telly?’
‘Give her one would ya?’
“Yeah I would’
‘If she was lucky’
‘I’m grand yeah’
“Yeah I’ll have another’
‘Same again’
‘Sure what the fuck else would I be at?’
‘What the fuck else would I be at?’

© Daniel Breslin